Moving On

I am absolutely, unequivocally over the break up of my marriage. I moved on from it a long time ago and, after some funny, awkward and slightly terrifying dating experiences I’m finally feeling happily coupled up. But….. is it ever possible to go back to being the carefree girl throwing myself into a relationship that I was before? How do I open myself up fully to someone and put my trust in them when I still remember how it feels to have it all ripped away from me? And can he do the same with me, when he’s come from a particularly bitter divorce where every bit of trust he put in someone has been exploited and used to hurt him?

I think it would be naïve for anyone to expect things to be the same the second time around as they were the first, when we could still believe in the fairytale and found it impossible to imagine that things could turn sour with our beloved. My parents, who have been happily married for over 30 years, say that you shouldn’t be with someone unless you have absolute trust in them, but how can anyone have that absolute trust when they’ve had it before and it’s been proved wrong. How can we trust our own judgement when it’s been so badly off in the past?

I’m happy in my relationship, I don’t worry that I’m going to get hurt and I’m completely relaxed when I’m with him. He is undoubtedly better suited to me than my ex was and in many ways I feel happier and more secure now than I ever did before, but still I hold something back. When he talks about the future and what we’ll do I can’t quite let myself believe in it. I want it, but at the same time I don’t quite dare to want it too much, or to believe it’ll happen, just in case. So I’m left wondering, is it possible to get past that? Has anyone done it? Or is it just me who feels this way? Will my instinctive self preservation get in the way of my relationship developing, and can you ever sustain a truly happy and fulfilling partnership if you’re always holding a little bit of something, of your hope and belief, back? I suppose only time will tell…


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